Disappointment or Maybe Not?

November 9, 2017

I am sitting at the Sheetz with Alex working on writing. Sometimes it is easier in a house with 10 people to just get out and go grab a soda and write. It is little quieter. It is nice to kind of spend time with Alex. I do not have much time left with him under our roof so when he asked me last night if we could go out I said “Sure.” He does that a lot. I think sometimes he just needs to get out of the house. We normally go and sit and write. We hardly speak a word unless he asks me question about his book. When he is ready he tells me that he is ready to go and we leave. I know it sounds silly but that is such special time for me to spend with my son. Sometimes we do talk about his books or other things. I kind of let him lead the time. If he wants to talk he does. If not, we both write. This love of words I share with my son is so special. He is so gifted, and I am so proud of him for finishing his first novel. I can’t wait to read the second book in the series.

We got to the Sheetz and I opened up my blog post from yesterday to get the word count. Everything was okay. I then opened up my novel to also get the word count. Yesterday was weird because the word count was not where it normally was. I had to a google search to find it. I finally found out and wrote my words for yesterday. I remember that I was just 100 words short of my goal for yesterday. I had plans to write in the evening, but I did not get to it. I should have but did not. I remember it was odd that when I closed out my book yesterday that it did not ask me to save. It always asks me to save but I was in a hurry so thought nothing of it. I should have known something was wrong.

When I opened up my novel I discovered that the 1500 words that I wrote yesterday were gone. I looked everywhere and could not find them. It was like they had just disappeared. The strange thing was that I was not upset. I was overwhelmed with such peace. I immediately was led to write about it for today’s blog post. I should have been disappointed and in the past, I would have. A whole days’ worth of writing gone. I was doing so well with my word counts and now I am day behind. The thing is that it is okay. I just heard a small voice telling me that what I wrote yesterday was not what I should have written.

When I sat down to write yesterday I felt “off.” I had a hard time concentrating. I felt like what I was writing was forced. I got distracted very easily. I just felt like the words that were coming were not what God wanted me to write. But I felt like I had to finish my word count, so I pressed on. I even had one of the ladies from the STP office come into the café where I was writing come in and ask me if everything was okay. I told her yes. but she said, “Are you sure?” I remember realizing that I was frowning. I tried to shake off the feeling, but it stayed with me the entire time that I was writing. I realized that I had not smiled the entire time I was writing in my novel. Not once. Normally when I write I smile but not yesterday. People who are with me when I write say they like to watch me because when I write something funny or am remembering something I smile.

So, yesterday I did not follow the Lord’s leading when he told me to stop. It was not wasted though because I learned an important lesson. When the Lord leads me to stop writing something I need to listen. Yes, I am now behind a day in my word count, but the lesson I learned was that I need to listen to the Lord’s leading in my life. Even when it comes to my writing. I always try to write from the heart. Sometimes when I go back and read what I have written I truly realize that it was from God and I even have been known to tears over the words. Well, to be honest, a lot of tears. Whenever I go back and read the beginning of my novel, I cry. I am amazed that God would use me to write this story or any story for that matter.

I am not going to go back and try to recreate what I did yesterday. To be honest, I cannot remember all of it. I am looking forward to what the Lord would lead me to write today. He must have something special for me to write down today because he made sure that what I wrote yesterday was lost.

I think back to times in my life where I have been disappointed and realize that God had much better things in mind for me.

When I did not get the job offer in South Carolina in 1996. I came home and found a job in Maryland and that following year I met Carl.

When Dave did not show up at the Fourth of July party in 1997. I was devastated but that was the night I met Carl.

When Carl lost his job. It paved the way for him to have the job he has today. He is a much happier man because he is finally doing something that he loves to do.

When our sweet Asa went on to the presence of Jesus before we could ever meet him. That one event rocked our world. That loss sent us in the 6-month journey across the US and on a journey to joy. I watched my children grow stronger from Asa’s loss. It paved the way for us to be right where we are today. Ministering at STP and Carl coaching football.

The disappointments I have faced in my life are the things that have made me the woman I am today. The reason I write is because I want to share my losses and victories with as many people as I can. To share that my deepest darkest times are the times I have walked closet with Christ. I never want to forget those lessons and, so I write. For me to remember, for my children to recall, for all who read my words to be pointed to a wonderful, merciful, gracious loving Father who has walked with me through every good time, difficult trial, temptation, complete failure, and mountaintop experience. He has had to carry me at times, but I want to remember all those times. I want to stay close to him and continue to follow where he wants me to go and what he wants me to do.

So, if it takes 1500 words disappearing into thin air for me to get the message to only write what he wants me to, I WILL listen. I WILL be joyful about the fact that he loves me enough to cause those times of disappointment so that I will learn the lessons he has for me. And yes, I am smiling today as I write. Smiling a lot as I recall that God loves me. He is the source of that smile and of my JOY.

Two aspiring novelists