Transparent Tuesday - Weary and Worn

I have started many drafts of this blog since the first weeks of 2021 and each time I have not finished. To be honest, I am weary and tired.

The physical pain has been wearing on my mind and the spiritual battles I have been fighting recently have been even more draining. 

My mother always used to tell me that the years spent changing diapers, disciplining and training children, and dealing with toddlers was a cake walk compared to parenting adults. Now that three of our boys are over 18 and Esther will be in a few months, I am learning the truth of her statement. 

I have spent the last few years storming the gates of heaven on behalf of my older children (all my children, really). I have watched them make decisions that I know will only lead to pain. I have been grieved over those decisions. I have also seen them make wise decisions that brought tears to my eyes in gratefulness to God.

For almost a year now I have been walking a tough road with one of those older children. He has been listening to the lies of Satan. People on the internet are affirming him in a way that goes against the Word of God and all that Carl and I have tried to teach him. Carl and I have counseled with him and encouraged him to seek out other people to talk with. He has respected us and met with others. He came to a final decision about the situation and told us this week. 

To say my heart is broken is an understatement. I have cried. I have prayed. I have broken down in front of friends. I know this decision will only lead my child down a road of pain and suffering. But this is what God needs to do to draw this child to Himself. The hardest prayer I have ever prayed is that God would do whatever it takes to get a person's attention and draw them back to Him. I have been praying that for my child. 

In the midst of all the brokenness and talks and praying, I have drawn closer to the Lord. I have had such sweet times of refreshing in the morning when I meet with Him. I cried tears of joy yesterday as each book I opened and each verse I read seemed to soothe my soul. By the time I was done my devotions, I had a stack of used tissues beside my books. It was such a sweet time. 

HE is faithful. He is good. He loves my child more that I ever could. As much as I have been praying for my child, He is too. I believe that He is working out a plan to reach him. 

God has drawn me to several passages to pray specifically for my wayward child.

Ezekiel 36:26-27

Moreover, I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit within you; and I will remove the heart of stone from your flesh and give you a heart of flesh. I will put My Spirit within you and cause you to walk in My statutes, and you will be careful to observe My ordinances.

Job 33:26

Then he (my child) will pray to God, and He (God) will accept him (my child), that he (my child) may see His (God's) face with joy, and He (God) may restore His righteousness to man.

I am fervently praying for all my children but these two prayers are ones that God directed me to for this season for this child. 

My greatest times of growth in my own walk with Christ have been those times I walked through suffering and pain. Sometimes those times were caused by my own sin and pride. Sometimes it was just a trial God chose for me to walk through. I am who I am today because of the tough times. I need to remember that my children need to go through their own hard times to walk closer to God. I am not responsible for their decisions. I am called to train them and counsel them and pray for them. Their decisions are their own. I must be obedient to what God is calling me to and right now that is to PRAY for my children like I never have before. 



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