January 10, 2017
What is the most helpful new way you could strengthen your church?
This question is a tough one for me.
For many months now I have been avoiding church if I could come up with an excuse.
Even when I was there I avoided talking to people. I would sit in the lobby and watch the kids play or find a quiet spot in the auditorium to watch them.
The excuse I gave was that I wanted to make sure that they were behaving themselves.
The real reason. I was afraid to let anyone in my life. I did not want people to see the mess that I am. I have had a hard year where my mouth has led me to lose some friendships. I was too free with how I felt about some things. I put myself in a pit of self loathing and false guilt. I played conversations over and over in my head and came to the conclusion that it was better for me to not say anything at all, to anyone. That way I could never be accused again, falsely or justly, of saying something wrong. I put up walls like you would not believe. They are still there and it is a long process tearing them down.
I have just recently endeavored to remove the walls but it is very tough going. It is amazing how Satan can bring someone down so quickly. I was in a good place in my relationship with God. I was in my War Room every day having a vibrant prayer time. I was reading my Bible and doing devotions with the kids. I was in a very good place. And then my world collapsed with several issues that was going on. I stopped everything. There were some mornings that I did not want to get up. I stayed in bed way too late and my children and I started some very bad habits. The War Room became dusty and unused and my Bible sat. My joy was gone, again. I was so focused on not hurting anyone or offending them that I withdrew within myself and pushed everyone else away.
I knew what was happening but I did not know how to stop it. It was a downward spiral into depression and loneliness. I think the wake up call really came when I started to see my children take on the very habits that I was modeling for them. Everyone was withdrawing to their bedrooms or watching way too much TV or spending way too much time on electronics. No one was really talking to one another. One day one of my kids was asking me a question by my school desk. My school desk is right next to my War Room, which is set up in a little dormer area upstairs. The curtain I had put up to give myself some privacy was down. Some of the notes that I had put on the wall worn torn off and lying on the floor. There were toys and trash all over the floor. It was a mess and that is exactly how my life felt.
This small one of mine put his arms around me and looked into the War Room and said, "Gosh, mom, you have not been in there in a while." Um....What a wake up call. I looked at this child with tears in my eyes and the realization hit me that my kids are watching me self destruct. After school that day and all the kids were downstairs and relatively quiet, I went into my War Room to assess the damage.
It was worse than I thought.
I cleaned up all the trash from the floor.
I put all the toys in their proper place (code for I threw them in the play room for my sweet children to put away later).
I dusted the windowsill and put everything back in its proper place. I did not find the pillow I had used but I sat down anyway and took stock of this space that had been so precious to me months before.
I fixed several papers that had lost their tape or thumbtack.
I looked on the walls and was reminded of all the women in my life that I had been praying for. I wrote out prayers for them and taped them right at eye level. My heart broke as my eyes came to the one I had written to a very dynamic and wonderful women in my life. She was in the Christmas play last year with me and she had shared that she as not feeling very well. She had some doctors appointments coming up and I wrote a prayer out for her asking for healing.
This precious, dear sister in the faith was diagnosed with cancer and she went home to be with the Lord in October.
I cried and cried as I realized that it had been a year since I had been in my War Room. I had missed out on so much time with the Lord. I had wasted a whole year. I was grieved. I was broken. And that is exactly where God wanted me. It was where I needed to be.
I resolved to meet with God again in the morning. As I began to open my Bible again and pray the Lord began to show me once again why it is so important to have a meaningful time with the Lord in the morning.
The more time I spent back in my War Room and opening my Bible again the more He revealed to me. Then this question came up and it was like the Lord gently said to me, "It is time to let people in again."
I almost panicked. Almost. But then I took a deep breath and listened. And the Lord spoke through scripture and other people in my life.
We were never meant to walk this life alone. From the very beginning of the Bible God calls us to fellowship with others. It is in the loneliness that we find ourselves spiraling towards sin. We were designed for communication and friendship.
God calls us to fellowship with each other but he also calls us to times of solitude where we meet with him alone. My morning prayer time in my War Room is that solitary time with just me and the Lord. But I am completely ignoring the fellowship. That is what I need to work on this year. I need to reach out to the women in my church again and fellowship. I need to put aside the false guilt and let these women back into my life. Yes, I do need to guard my words but I also need to share my struggles and heartaches with these women that God has placed in my life.
This question is a tough one for me.
For many months now I have been avoiding church if I could come up with an excuse.
Even when I was there I avoided talking to people. I would sit in the lobby and watch the kids play or find a quiet spot in the auditorium to watch them.
The excuse I gave was that I wanted to make sure that they were behaving themselves.
The real reason. I was afraid to let anyone in my life. I did not want people to see the mess that I am. I have had a hard year where my mouth has led me to lose some friendships. I was too free with how I felt about some things. I put myself in a pit of self loathing and false guilt. I played conversations over and over in my head and came to the conclusion that it was better for me to not say anything at all, to anyone. That way I could never be accused again, falsely or justly, of saying something wrong. I put up walls like you would not believe. They are still there and it is a long process tearing them down.
I have just recently endeavored to remove the walls but it is very tough going. It is amazing how Satan can bring someone down so quickly. I was in a good place in my relationship with God. I was in my War Room every day having a vibrant prayer time. I was reading my Bible and doing devotions with the kids. I was in a very good place. And then my world collapsed with several issues that was going on. I stopped everything. There were some mornings that I did not want to get up. I stayed in bed way too late and my children and I started some very bad habits. The War Room became dusty and unused and my Bible sat. My joy was gone, again. I was so focused on not hurting anyone or offending them that I withdrew within myself and pushed everyone else away.
I knew what was happening but I did not know how to stop it. It was a downward spiral into depression and loneliness. I think the wake up call really came when I started to see my children take on the very habits that I was modeling for them. Everyone was withdrawing to their bedrooms or watching way too much TV or spending way too much time on electronics. No one was really talking to one another. One day one of my kids was asking me a question by my school desk. My school desk is right next to my War Room, which is set up in a little dormer area upstairs. The curtain I had put up to give myself some privacy was down. Some of the notes that I had put on the wall worn torn off and lying on the floor. There were toys and trash all over the floor. It was a mess and that is exactly how my life felt.
This small one of mine put his arms around me and looked into the War Room and said, "Gosh, mom, you have not been in there in a while." Um....What a wake up call. I looked at this child with tears in my eyes and the realization hit me that my kids are watching me self destruct. After school that day and all the kids were downstairs and relatively quiet, I went into my War Room to assess the damage.
It was worse than I thought.
I cleaned up all the trash from the floor.
I put all the toys in their proper place (code for I threw them in the play room for my sweet children to put away later).
I dusted the windowsill and put everything back in its proper place. I did not find the pillow I had used but I sat down anyway and took stock of this space that had been so precious to me months before.
I fixed several papers that had lost their tape or thumbtack.
I looked on the walls and was reminded of all the women in my life that I had been praying for. I wrote out prayers for them and taped them right at eye level. My heart broke as my eyes came to the one I had written to a very dynamic and wonderful women in my life. She was in the Christmas play last year with me and she had shared that she as not feeling very well. She had some doctors appointments coming up and I wrote a prayer out for her asking for healing.
This precious, dear sister in the faith was diagnosed with cancer and she went home to be with the Lord in October.
I cried and cried as I realized that it had been a year since I had been in my War Room. I had missed out on so much time with the Lord. I had wasted a whole year. I was grieved. I was broken. And that is exactly where God wanted me. It was where I needed to be.
I resolved to meet with God again in the morning. As I began to open my Bible again and pray the Lord began to show me once again why it is so important to have a meaningful time with the Lord in the morning.
The more time I spent back in my War Room and opening my Bible again the more He revealed to me. Then this question came up and it was like the Lord gently said to me, "It is time to let people in again."
I almost panicked. Almost. But then I took a deep breath and listened. And the Lord spoke through scripture and other people in my life.
We were never meant to walk this life alone. From the very beginning of the Bible God calls us to fellowship with others. It is in the loneliness that we find ourselves spiraling towards sin. We were designed for communication and friendship.
God calls us to fellowship with each other but he also calls us to times of solitude where we meet with him alone. My morning prayer time in my War Room is that solitary time with just me and the Lord. But I am completely ignoring the fellowship. That is what I need to work on this year. I need to reach out to the women in my church again and fellowship. I need to put aside the false guilt and let these women back into my life. Yes, I do need to guard my words but I also need to share my struggles and heartaches with these women that God has placed in my life.
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