Trying to Keep It Real

Please bear with this honest post that I agonized over writing.

March 5, 2015

Do you ever have someone say something to you that kind of upsets the balance of your life?

I had someone tell me something the other day that I am struggling with. Hard. I keep playing what was said over and over again in my head.

Now, what this person said was said in love. They meant no ill will or harm from what they said but it still threw the last few days into a tail spin for me.

It has sent me into examining the way that I have been doing things and if what I have been doing has really been effective for the goals that I am trying to accomplish. Is my current path really pleasing to the Lord? Am I brining him glory and honor right now?

I am constantly saying to the kids and having conversations with them about how others can know if you are walking with the Lord. I know that our personal walk with the Lord is just that – personal. With my children especially, I am trying to teach them that if you are walking with the Lord toward maturity that it will show to others by how you talk and act and how you respond to and treat others. When that fruit is not evident in a person’s life then it begs the question – are they walking in the Lord the way they should?

I had a loved one tell me that they are not seeing any fruit in my life. At first I was like, that is a lie. I have been doing so well lately. My anger has improved and I have not been as impatient lately. I have been making a real effort to read my Bible and read books that improve my spiritual walk. I have been growing in the Lord. That person is just lying.

Then I got angry. I mean a bitter kind of angry. I mean, how can this person say this to me? I played things over in my head and started the comparing game. Anyone ever been here? You start comparing your life to those around you and play the “Well, I’m better that so and so. Well, so and so is doing this and I am not so I am good.” That is not a very nice to be but it is exactly where Satan wants us to be. I looked at the person who said these things and started listing the things this person has done wrong. I started to think that this person has no right to say what they did because of their own sin. Not a very good thing to think. Festering sin is all it is on my part. Ugly, evil thoughts that I had to confess and repent from.

After the anger abated I got depressed. I began the “It is all true. I am a fake and not lovable at all. I can do nothing right.” It was your basic pity party. Again, it is not a pretty place to be but Satan loves us there. We become ineffective and cannot grow in the Lord. We become a hindrance to the work of Christ. Satan has had me in this pity party stage many times before and it is tough to get out of this pit of my own making.

How do you escape?

When you feel betrayed and wounded.

When you are wondering if it is true.

Is God trying to tell you something?

Where do you go from here?

As the cobwebs of bitterness, anger, depression and emotional hurt faded I began to see the truth.

The truth was that I needed this person to tell me this. I was going on a path that was one of complacency. I was happy to read my Bible and check that off every day. I was fine reading books and then moving on the next one. I was content and that is a dangerous place to be. It is true that I had made some improvements to my life. Yes, the anger was lessening. But the fact of the matter was that I was still getting angry. I was still allowing the frustrations of my life cause me to react in the sin of anger.

All day yesterday I was processing all of this and trying to come to a place where I could be at peace. Since we were in town yesterday we decided to go to Bible Study at the William’s house. We arrived and I was stressed out and frustrated already. I then had to try and keep two little ones quiet through Bible Study which sometimes goes from 7:30 until almost 11. They were not being cooperative last night and by the end of the night I ended up with four little ones over in a little area trying to not disrupt prayer for everyone else. I was not having success. I was getting more and more frustrated and felt the anger start to rise in me. After prayer ended I wanted to leave right away. I did not feel like talking to anyone for fear of them finding out the war that was raging inside of me. I wanted to just crawl in a corner but my sweet friends were there asking how I was doing. I felt like I could not share what was really going on. I basically talked about frivolous things in hopes that I could avoid talking about how things really were.

I came home and thought a lot about the whole situation. This person spoke a lot of truth to me. It has made examine a lot about what I have been doing. In the approximate 10 minutes that I was actually able to listen to the Bible Study the Lord was able to reveal to me some things. First of all, my God is a God of peace. Anything that is not peaceful is not from Him and needs to be removed from my life.  I need to flood my life with things that are true, honorable, just, pure, lovely, commendable, excellent, and praiseworthy.  Anything less is sin. Another important aspect I have been not growing in is prayer. I have always struggled with this as my mind tends to wander the minute I start to pray and I start thinking about everything else I have to do. Or I fall asleep.

I have spent the last day examining some things and trying to decide what changes the Lord is trying to get me to make. Prayer is a big one that I need to work on and the funny thing is that the Lord has been working on my heart in this area for quite some time and I have just not been listening. Talk about a joy stealer. I truly desire to lie a life that is pleasing to God and it starts with prayer and Bible reading. That is where I need to put my focus. I need to remind myself every moment of every day to cast off things that are not true, honorable, just, pure, lovely, commendable, excellent, or praiseworthy.

As I write this post I keep going back and forth is my head if I should post this. Is it too honest? Am I crazy? Am I the only one who struggles with these issues? I do not want to be a hindrance to anyone growing in Christ. But I also desire to share my struggles with those who may be going through the same thing. If any part of this post has been offensive please know that it is not my intent. My intent has been to give you the glimpse into the life of a woman who is a wretched sinner saved by grace through faith in Jesus Christ who desires to bring glory and honor to her Lord and that I fail miserably some days.