A Wounded Heart

O, thou Father of my life,

Thou King of my life,

Wound my heart that it may be healed;

Break it that thine own hand may make it whole.

This phrase just struck me this morning when I read it in Valley of Vision: A Collection of Puritan Prayers and Devotions. I caused me to think back to the times in my life when I learned the most about God and my relationship with Christ. The times when I grew the most all came out of my heart being wounded in some way or another. Brokenness.

I learned so much when I went to England and things did not turn out the way they were supposed to. I was hurt emotionally and spiritually. It took a long time to get over the bitterness that arose from that experience. God worked in my life and I came out the other side of that trial closer to Him than ever before.

I learned so much when I went through a time of wondering why God had not brought anyone into my life when it seemed like all the other girls my age were getting married, dating, or engaged. I spent a summer getting to know Him better and learning to content with His plan for my life. Again, I came through that time closer to Him than ever before.

I learned so much through the trials that arise in a marriage relationship. Learning to set aside expectations. Learning to be patient. Learning to set aside my own desires and wants. Learning to pray for someone.

I learned so much through the hard years of raising little ones and know even more when those little ones move into adulthood. I have learned to cling to Christ through all the wounds and brokenness.

I never thought I would learn as much as did in losing a child to miscarriage. I tore me down and wounded me so deeply. I was so angry at God for giving me what I explicitly told Him not to. I know, I know.

BUT GOD

He took that pain and sorrow and turned it into something he could use for HIS glory. The person I am today is because of all the things I learned through tough times.

The things I write today come out of the pain and sorrow and suffering.

The plays I wrote for STP this year are because of the pain and sorrow and suffering that God allowed me to go through.

Healing came to me through going through the pain and sorrow and loss and suffering.

The tears cried in the night brought healing.

The groanings when I could not utter words brought healing.

The crying out to God with complaint brought healing.

The lamenting brought healing.

Healing.

The wounds brought healing.

When I thought that there could be no good to come out of a trial, God used it to draw me close to His side. He brought blessing and peace and a way for my life to bring Him more glory.

As parents, we want to protect our children from all harm. We want them safe. We don’t want them to go through the hard times that we have.

BUT GOD.

Maybe that is exactly what God for them to bring them to place where they walk closer to Him. Who are we to deny them that? Those of us who have been walking with and following after the Lord for any number of years know that sometimes we have to be broken before we can be healed. Before we come to a place where we truly follow Christ.

To see this being played out in the lives of my own children is hard. To see them struggle with their faith. To see them hurting. I want to draw them inside my arms to safety but that is not what is best for them. Suffering is what is best sometimes. Sorrow is what is best sometimes. Pain is what is best sometimes. For us and for them.

All I can do is storm the throne of heaven with my prayers for them.

All I can do is to be there when they need to talk. Even is that time is in the middle of the night.

All I can do is pray with them when they ask and hear them just say “Jesus” over and over again because that is the only thing they can cling to.

All I can do is cry with them.

All I can do is continue to point them to Christ and talk about Him and praise His name continually.

All I can do is to show them how to follow Christ by doing it myself.

The best thing I can do for my children is to show them what following after Christ looks like even when walking through the trials. Especially then! We should not be afraid to talk to our children about the hard things we have gone through in life and what we have learned by clinging to Christ during those times.

We may never know all the people that our children can touch for Christ by going through trials. Again, I come back to the idea of our life being a weaving. The mess and tangle of threads looks ugly to us but God sees the beauty of the other side.

We have to be willing to let our children go through the struggles and sorrow and pain and suffering in order to make them into strong men and women who will bring glory to HIS name.

So, I pray:

O, thou Father of my life,

Thou King of my life,

Wound my children’s heart that it may be healed;

Break their hearts that thine own hand may make it whole.