An Empty Filling

February 6, 2018

I know that it has been a while.

I am truly sorry for my absence for the month of January.

Didn’t January just seem like the longest month? It did to me. It just kind of dragged on forever.

As soon as classes started back in January we had a production. William’s TTA class performed Sleeping Beauty. It was a fantastic production and I thoroughly enjoyed it, but we were at the building almost every day for two weeks.

Right after that Carl and I took two of the boys to Great Wolf Lodge. We had a great time, but it wore us all out.

 We got back on a Tuesday and on Thursday, we had auditions for the adult production at STP, Hunchback of Notre Dame.

We had snow in the middle of all this. Now for my Northern friends who may laugh I want to explain to you why this is a big deal. Yes, we got snow. Lots of it. More than we have seen in years. Schools closed for three or four days. It was so cold that nothing melted. What did melt became sheets of ice. Northerners are used to snow and cold and have proper things to deal with it. You all have plows and salt trucks and neighbors with shovels, snow tires and chains. In the south, all they do is brine the roads. It takes forever to plow because we don’t have a lot of them. Side streets become treacherous for days. No one owns a snow shovel, so we have to improvise. We don’t even own a proper ice scraper. Half of the state does not even own a proper winter coat or hats or gloves. It was a mess. They closed Fort Bragg one day. That says a lot.

On top of all that was going on and homeschooling and taking care of a household of 10 I ended up coming down with some virus that literally put me in bed for a week.

I will be very happy when the weather turns warmer and winter ends.

Doesn’t it always seem gloomy in the winter?

I tend to suffer from a little bit of depression this time of year. I think we all do. I find myself fighting for JOY harder than I do than when the weather is nicer.

The month of December I was almost on a high. My Advent journal had me walking so close to the Lord that I eagerly sought out more and more of Him. We had a three week break from STP that allowed me to refresh my soul.

When January came I found myself opening up my new journal and had great plans for the New Year. I think I took on too much and ended up not enjoying my devotion time. It became more of a chore. I found myself sleeping in more and more. It was so hard to get up. I think I was fighting the virus I got for a long time. I just did not feel well. I also was trying to work on some things that had been brought to my attention by some wonderful people in my life.

I found myself reaching for my phone more and more. I was spending my time on my phone and not seeking after the Lord. I lost my passion. I was filling my life with substitutes.

I was being filled but with the empty things of the world. I was not being filled with the Holy Spirit. I could tell the difference. I felt empty. I was full but empty.

I kept telling myself that I would get up in the morning and catch up. I would open up my January notebook and get discouraged. I ended up not worrying about it and went back to sleep. I got sick then and could not move from my bed for almost a week. That time spent resting really made me reflect on what I had been doing.

Each one of us has a place in our lives that can only be filled with Jesus. We can try to fill that place with what the world has to offer but it will be in vain. We can never fill that void with anything but Jesus. That is what I spent most of January doing.

I was full of emptiness.

I finally started to feel better around Alex’s birthday, February 3. I was discouraged because I had been so sick that I had not made my February journal yet. I was finally able to get around to it on Monday. I was behind by 5 days, but I decided to give myself lots of grace considering the month that January had been.

I reevaluated some of the things I was trying to do for devotions and took out a couple of things. I only left the things that I really felt brought me closer to the Lord. There is a lot of scripture writing as that is one of the things I absolutely love doing. I redesigned my notebook a little so that it is easier to find everything. I am very happy with the way it turned out. I have only been doing it for two days but I am already feeling better about this month than last month.

I have realized that I have been filling my life with the things of the world. My phone has become an idol to me and I need to get away from. This month we are again putting the devices away as my whole family spends way too much time on devices.

When we did this experiment in November I saw such a difference in my children and in me. We were all much nicer to one another and the chaos of a house full of 10 people was less. I found the kids actually doing chores without asking and helping each other out. It was wonderful. I wanted to keep the devices at my mother’s house longer, but my kids begged. I relented and brought them back into our house. I wish that I had not.

When we went on the trip in December I made it a point to make sure that none of the kids brought their devices. It was wonderful and we spent a lot of time with one another. Quality time.

Now we have gotten back into the habit of always being on them. I am speaking about all 10 of us. This has just been something on my heart that I feel strongly about.

In Proverbs 23:26 it says, “My son, give me your heart, and let your eyes observe my ways.”

What are my children seeing me doing? What does seeing a phone in my hand tell them? Do they realize how much I love them? That I love them more than the things I am viewing on my phone? Where are my priorities?

In my prayer journal I have a whole section on confession. It is all based on Psalm 51. These last few days, since I have finally started feeling better, I have been dwelling on verse 10. “Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a right spirit within me.”

I have been praying that as I get back into the daily habit of spending time with the Lord that He would do this for me. That He would cause the Holy Spirit living in me to come alive again. I know that the Holy Spirit never left me, but I was doing things to quench his working in my life. I have been praying for revival in my own life.

I want to see the passion of Christ in my life so that my children will see the difference that only He can make. I want them to never see me be content with where I am on my walk with the Lord. I want them to always see me strive for more of Christ. I want to set aside the things of the world and have a passion for what God loves.

My prayer is that I would do away with the things that are empty and concentrate and fill my life with the things that bring glory to God.  Be praying for me that I would set my phone aside or not even pick it up except for using it to do things to bring glory to God. My prayer is that each of us would examine our lives to see what we are filling our lives with.

Are you full but empty?

Happy Birthday to my handsome husband, Carl