A Vision and a Decision

December 12, 2017

I spent most of last week and the weekend in prayer over a decision that I had to make. It was a tough decision. I was torn between what I wanted and what I knew God wanted me to do. God had given me clear guidance on where He wanted me, but I went back and forth because it would mean giving up something that I wanted.

You all can probably tell from my posts that I love theater. Acting is one of the things I love to do most in the world and getting to do it when it brings glory to the Lord is one of the greatest gifts and blessings that God has given me.

The first adult production at Spiritual Twist Production last year was Cinderella. I played the stepmother and my husband was Sarge, the dog. We had a wonderful time and even got to perform with two of our boys, William and Nathan. It was such a blessing. We had a small cast but we all grew so close to one another.

After the play so many adults came up and expressed a desire to do another play. The interest was so high that the leaders at STP decided that this year there would be another performance. The adult production was announced as The Hunchback of Notre Dame. I have been excited to audition.

I knew that they did not have a director for the play but that they had someone in mind. I had been praying that the Lord would lead the right person to the job. When things fell through with the initial person I had a fear that they would have to cancel the production. They almost had to last year. I just kept praying for the right person to step up.

It was during Empowered that God gave me a vision or snapshot as to who was to direct this new production. I was driving down the road after a long Empowered practice. I believe that it was Monday or Tuesday of performance week. There I was driving down the road when I was struck with the vision of Pam Stults and myself working together on Hunchback. Pam is a wonderful friend at STP. She is a very gifted actress and I had the privilege of performing with her in Scrooge, Cinderella, and Daniel. I knew that she has always wanted to get into the directing side of STP, but the timing just never worked out.

As I was driving the vision almost took my breath away. My immediate thought was if I direct then I cannot act in the production. I did not want to think about that thought. I could not ignore the vision though and the Lord just kept bringing it to my mind.

I approached Pam at the end of the Empowered cast party and discreetly told her of what I had seen in my mind on that drive home. I asked her to just pray about what the Lord had showed me. The fist thing she said to me was that we would not be able to act in the production. We both enjoyed Cinderella so much last year and loved being backstage those final two weeks. Such special memories.

We did not really talk much about it until I found out that she was going to be the director for the show. I was so excited for her. I really did not say much about the vision that I had been given. I was so happy for my dear friend. The memory of the picture that God had given me did come to my mind but I was happy for Pam.

On Wednesday of last week Natalie and I had our weekly meeting about the class we are directing together. She asked me if I would be interested in working with Pam as Assistant Director. I shared with her a little of the vision God had given me. I almost cried. I was a little overwhelmed. I told her I would pray about it. I prayed all last week and weekend. Here is part of the letter I wrote Natalie on Monday morning.

“Dear Ms. Natalie,

This decision about the adult play has been the of the hardest decisions I encountered since I started serving at STP. I have wrestled all last week and the weekend about what the Lord would have me do. I thought he gave me clear guidance on Friday but then all weekend I have been struggling with the temptation that maybe I heard wrong and I was to go the other way.

My goal was to give you an answer today, but I was not sure if I could. I sat down to do devotions this morning and I was seeking an answer in what I was reading and meditating on today. Some of the questions I have been wrestling with: What if God has someone else in my mind to assist Pam and I cause them to miss out on a blessing by taking that role? Also, the reverse, what if someone else is meant to be in the play and I take the role they were meant to have? I do not want someone else to miss out on the blessing of being involved in the play because I stepped out in my own desire and not what God wanted me to do.

I have really been striving to be obedient to the Lord and the leading of the Holy Spirit. Everyone always expresses a concern that I am doing too much at STP. I have been able to tell them honestly that God has led me to do every job and role I have had at STP. I have just been praying these past few days that I can say the same with this decision.

I know now that the leading God gave me on Friday was the correct one. Really the vision He gave me in October was the right one.

To be honest, I wanted to forget the vision and not worry about it. When I found out that Pam was possibly directing the Lord pricked my heart about the vision He had given me and the battle of what I wanted verses what God wanted me to do began in earnest. That is where I have been last week and this weekend. I wrote something on my blog on Friday that kind of led me to the decision to obey what the Lord wanted me to do.

“I have gotten so comfortable in my typical American home and life that I have forgotten that to be true disciples of Christ we are to Sacrifice our time and money and possessions and gifts for the cause of Christ and Serve Him when He calls us to do something, even if it is uncomfortable or not what we want. We are to Eliminate the things from our life that are not God honoring and Encourage others to follow Jesus. We are to Observe the world around us, so we can see when others need our help and Obey when the Lord prompts us to do so. We are to Leave behind the things that hinder us in our walk with the Lord and Love God and the things He loves more than any possession or gift.”

God just impressed on me or really reminded me on Friday and this morning that I am to assist Pam with the play this time. I love acting. It is one of the passions in my life and I truly believe that it is one of the gifts that God has given me to use for His glory. One of the other gifts He has revealed to me over the years is the gift of leadership. This is a harder one for me because it is one that I do not really want. I have ignored this gift and told God “no” in the past because of fear. I have always struggled with a fear of what others think of me. I am scared of others judging me for mistakes I make. I truly believe that God is leading me to take on this role to help me overcome this fear and discover and work on this other gift he has given me.

That is what I have been struggling with. I love acting. I am going to miss being on the stage. I truly believe though that this is what God is leading me to do. I want others to have the opportunity I had during Cinderella to worship God through acting and bring glory to His name. I believe that God wants me to bring glory to His name but in another way this play. God is working in my life to draw me and prepare me to use the other gifts He has given me.

I have been listening to John Piper’s Advent devotions this month. Today’s was all about the magi bringing gifts to Jesus. God used this devotion to really solidify the decision in my mind.

“The joy that I pursue is not the hope of getting rich with things from You. I have not come to You for your things, but for Yourself. And this desire I now intensify and demonstrate by giving up things (in my case a role in the play), in the hope of enjoying You more, not things. By giving to You what You do not need, and what I might enjoy (Acting), I am saying more earnestly and more authentically You are my treasure, not these things.”

As I was reading this I was struck with the fact that I was holding on to getting a role in the play. I wanted it. Badly. I was holding back on the vision God gave me in October because I selfishly wanted a large role in the play. It almost became an idol. Something that I was desiring above what I knew God was calling me to. I enjoy acting in plays, but God is asking me to give that up for this play so that He becomes my treasure. I truly believe that God is going to do something mighty through this entire season. He has already done so much in the hearts of some of us. I know He has taught me so much through Empowered and then Wilson’s death.

I believe that God is not done with me in the area of acting. But I believe that He wants me to develop this other gift He has given me so that I can be a better tool to be used for His glory.

I know this has been long, but I wanted you to better understand why I am making this decision and that the Lord is truly leading me this way. I know He is going to work mightily in the lives of all those involved in Hunchback. I am praying expectantly for Him to take all those involved and do miracles through them that cause people to give all the glory to God.”

So that is where I am this week. I am now the new assistant director of Spiritual Twist Productions The Hunchback of Notre Dame.

The Lord had his hand in the bringing together of the leadership of this production. I am so excited to see what is going to happen during this production. The Lord is moving in mighty ways at STP and I am privileged and honored to be a small part of it. All glory to God.

For anyone interested, the production is open to anyone 18 and up. You do not have to have a student in STP or be a former student. It is open to anyone in the community. I have already heard from so many people who are interested. I am so excited to be a part of this show. I am praying with expectation that the Lord is going to show up in a mighty way.